Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Fashionably Late by R Thomas Brown.

Bill staggered into the cubicle bullpen and tossed his bag to the floor. He held up a finger to stop the questions of his fellow coders and took a gulp of water before exhaling. “What a crappy commute.”
“What happened? You’re half an hour late and you look terrible.” Doug turned his chair toward Bill. The others mimicked.
“I’m sure you’ll see it on the news, it was bad. Big wreck on the highway.”
Danny shook his head. “How bad? Anyone dead?”
Bill shook his head. “No. Not from the wreck anyway. It was a clothing truck.”
“Clothes?” Doug looked confused.
“Yeah,” Bill leaned forward. “That big warehouse clothes store, what is it, B&M, I think. Truck flipped over, tossed a crap load of suits all over the interstate.”
“That’s crazy.” Danny closed his eyes.
“That’s not the big part though. The clothes were all vintage.”
“Yeah, I guess they’re hoping for a revival of that swing craze or something, I don’t know, but all these old timey suits are just everywhere.”
“Could be worse. At least it wasn’t fuel, right?” Doug punched Danny in the arm. “Remember that truck fire?”
Bill cleared his throat. “That’s not the bad part. See, people start to get out of their cars. Old dudes first. Guess they think the old clothes are like a fountain of youth or something cause they tear out. Canes pounding the pavement, wheelchairs darting in.”
“Yeah, then the younger dudes come in. A bunch of Vince Vaughn wannabes thinking they found Mecca or some shit. They head in. Old dudes on one side, forty somethings on the other. It was a standoff.”
“A standoff? What the hell?”
“It got worse. The Vaughns charge in. I guess they thought with youth on their side, they’d take it. They charge and start grabbing stuff. Some old guy screams to stop and, I don’t know, he’s got like some hotrod power chair. He bolts in there, cane like a lance. Nails a fat dude right in the eye.”
“No way!”
“Yeah, then all the younger guys go in. Looks like they’re winning, but they’re all fat and lazy. Momentum turns, and all I can see are canes going up and down on heads.”
“Then what?” Danny was on the edge of his seat.
“That was messed up. I got out.” Bill sat back and crossed his arms. “I mean, I didn’t want to get caught up in a Zoot Suit Riot.”
A moment of silence. Bill laughed. Danny groaned. Doug got up and punched Bill on the top of his head. “Jerk.”

Sunday, 1 January 2012

Happy New Year To You All!!

2011 was a great year for me.  To "loosely" quote one of our major celebrities, The Queen, "It was an anus horrendous!"  My piles had been giving me jip all year.  Luckily, Joanne found a fantastic cream and applies it twice daily for me.  I can now, quite happily, sit on my arse all day sipping tea from my cup and saucer without constantly having to scratch the affected area.

Anyway, enough about me.  I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you all fantastically fun filled 2012.

We're going to try and build up this magazine this year and I'd be honoured if you all came along for the ride.

Keep stopping by to see what's happening.  There'll be a new story coming up soon.  In the meantime, here's a little joke for you.

All the best,
B J, Joannne and Mike Oxlong!!

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see  the Pope. 
Grumpy leads the  pack. 

'Grumpy, my son,'  says the Pope, 'What can 
I do for you?'  Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'  

The Pope wrinkles  his brow at the odd question, 
thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.' 

In the background,  a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around  and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back,  'Your Worship, are there 
any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?' 

The Pope, puzzled  now, again thinks for a moment 
and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.' 

'This time, all of  the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy  turns around and silences them with an angry glare.  

Grumpy turns back  and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there 
ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the  world?' 

The Pope, really  confused by the questions says, 
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no  dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs  collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor,  tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......  

"Grumpy shagged a  penguin!"

"Grumpy shagged a  penguin!"